The idea of female sexuality has been swimming around my brain quite frequently lately.  The reasons why women have sex with men, where that motivation comes from (the woman's sexual desires, the female urge to please men, etc) and how young girls are taught about their sexuality, have been intriguing me.  Also, the fact that I have made poor sexual choices lately and have had to re-evaluate why I made such choices, has forced me to examine my sexual motivations.  Having gotten out of a relationship and gone through a messy and heart wrenching break-up, I must admit that I misplaced emotions and found myself in bed with men (a term i am using lightly) a few more times then I would like to admit.  Don't get me wrong, I didn't go around opening up shop for every man that wanted a taste, but I was unhappy and unfulfilled with the decisions I made. 

One young man was a wonderful dude, treated me very respectfully, and even brought me a few big o's, but why he as in my life was a lie. It wasn't about him, he was just a band-aid for the pain I felt over losing the man I loved.  At a time when I felt low about who I was, he made me feel special and pretty and sexually attractive.  This was exactly my problem;  the fact that I had to be validated by another man's affections instead of validating myself.  I placed my worth in sex and attractions instead of who I am and what I have to offer.

Once this particular fling ended I was coerced into a very bad sexual experience that physically hurt me and was prematurely stopped because I felt used, violated, and disgusted- both with the man and myself.  That was where I had to draw the line.  I had lost my way and in doing so, I lost myself.  I was letting my body move from something sacred to something violated.  With this revelation, I reverted back into the lady cave that is my room and focused on Katie for the rest of winter, understanding that come spring I would be a changed woman.  

Journals full of tear soaked pages, sorrow filled poems, and immense personal growth combined with female penned novels floating through my consciousness -- spring has arrived and so has a more fulfilled and self-loving me. I have even met a wonderful guy whom I am taking it very slow with.  We have decided not to have sex and in doing so we stay giving each other intellectual orgasms!  I can't say where this is going because my focus right now is on my own evolution, but I know that I feel great.  When sex is something that I want to have again, I will.  If he is too impatient, I will re-evaluate the situation and decide what is best for me and if my decision remains the same and he can't hold out, he can get to steppin'. Because sex is not my priority right now and does not hold precedence over my values.  Plus, I don't need a man that is willing to lose me over sex but I also understand that he deserves to get his if that is what he needs.  What prompted me to share such a personal experience with the world was an article I came across about the rise of New York women becoming celibate for various reasons : dating celibacy.

Love it!  I am not preaching religious values or telling women to become celibate... I am simply posing to women the idea of why we have sex.  Next time you are about to get down with a dude, think about what your motives are. (And be HONEST with yourself) Are they for you or for him?

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